#1 Cathedral

This piece is crafted with two main things I dislike; short sentences and jumping around (meaning that there is no linear fashion in which details of the story are conveyed to the reader). On that note, the use of the short sentences allows the author to punctate each individual thought and detail, thus forcing the reader to really think about what is being said. The jumping around on the other hand forces the reader to really slow down and pay attention to what is going on, hence why Dr. Miller picked it as an assignment, but it also provides a unique way for the story to be told. Combining flashbacks, narration, personal opinions, and movement of the plot into a cohesive format, even if it is one I find difficult to follow.

The author’s voice is very distinctive, portraying disdain, annoyance, aggravation, and just a general level of cynicism in every aspect of the piece. The dialogue especially portrays the author’s voice (and in conjunction his feelings about the conversation and subject) “‘I don’t have any blind friends,’ I said. ‘You don’t have any friends,’ she said. ‘Period. Besides,’ she said, ‘Goddamn it, his wife just died! Don’t you understand that? The man’s lost his wife!'” (pg 273)

My favorite thing about this piece is the author’s choice of juxtaposition. Given that the story centers around a blind man who the author detests out of ignorance the author provides this juxtaposition through the minimal use of dialogue and instead focuses all of their efforts on description and detail in order to tell the story; almost mockingly of the story’s subject. “We dug in. We ate everything there was to eat on the table. We ate like there was no tomorrow. We didn’t talk. We ate. We scarfed. We grazed that table. We were into serious eating. The blind man had right away located his foods, he knew just where everything was on his plate. I watched with admiration as he used his knife and fork on the meat…” It is in this juxtaposition that all other elements of craft are brought together: voice, short sentences, and jumping around (overall past to present).

#2 Chapter 2

There were two things that really stuck out from the chapter: desire and complexity.

Each and every story written should be written in order to relay a quest, a journey with an end goal in mind. This quest, or desire as described in the book, is vital to the rest of the story. The plot, description, even aspects of the character are all inconsequential if the character does not have some type of desire and that desire is not strong enough for a quest to occur. Even something as simple as finding a bathroom to do your business in is enough to build a story around. It is the foundation of the plot, character growth, and must be expressed continuously throughout the story. If the character completes their quest in the first few pages then there is no more story to tell, and the reader will simply abandon it.

However, it is in this desire that complexity is born. While the book discussed complexity in terms of characterization, their mannerisms, beliefs, actions and morals, I wanted to add to this with the complexity of their existence. How does the character fit in, or out, with the people they know? How do they understand themselves and they way they think or behave? Is the character being malicious for fun? Revenge? Or simply because they don’t know any better? And what would it take for them to change? A character should be like a real person (as stated on page 29) and that includes knowing how they know or feel about their existence.

When both complexity and desire are combined, that is when a character is truly born. Does a character’s desire to avenge their father’s death make them question what it means to be alive? Do they still want to be alive once their revenge has been taken? These two small things have already begun to paint a dynamic and complex character that the reader can identify with and is interested in. That is the author’s goal and why the chapter highlights it so well.

#3 Chapter 3

I really liked the way the author described plot as being a way to answer a question. I had never thought of plot that way. I always figured it was a way to resolve a desire or conflict. Having the plot revolve around the answer to a question is a great way to think about how to get from the beginning of the story to the end without having your reader fall asleep. You want your reader so invested in finding out the answer to that question, no matter how you get to answering it, that they stay up all night or automatically skip paragraphs and have to go back to re-read the page again. If you haven’t done that then you haven’t really created a successful plot.

The chapter, much like a story, took its time answering the question it posed: What is Plot? It is within this time that a story is truly formed, plot travelling from beginning (posing the question or problem), the middle (describing the journey and conflicts that are necessary to answer the question), and the end (the answer to the question, if done properly). It is in this firmly constructed framework that short stories really have to thrive. They do not have the expansive amount of pages to tell everything, to be a little boring, because they have such a narrow amount of space to set up an interesting story that draws the reader in, builds a compelling storyline and characters, and bring everything to a satisfying close that won’t leave the reader questioning what happened. It is in this ending point that I think I will have the most difficulty as I often prefer to end a story with a character death, the ultimate end that does not leave room for questioning “what happens next?” but I think this chapter and the way it discusses plot will help give me some other ideas.

#4 To Buffalo Eastward

My favorite aspect of this story was the narrator’s voice. It was consistent through out every moment of the story. From the car, to flash backs, to a drug induced delusion. The narrator’s voice comes through the story telling to depict the character underneath. He is adventurous, and reckless, and extremely lonely, but of all the many things the voice discusses the one thing that constantly remains is their uncertainty. The narrator does not know what they want to do with their life, or even about the little things in their life. Pidge is an uncertainty. Why he is travelling to Kansas is an uncertainty. Why he is screwing around in bookstores and art stores and bars in every town he visits, pushing away the college students drawn to him. The narrator’s voice is uncertain and is consistently uncertain about everything except two things: his interpretation of how people feel about him, and taking the pills Pancho offers him.

Given that the narrator spends a majority of the beginning of the story outlining all the incidents in why people should like him and his general apathy towards the hatred. The woman who flipped him off, the lady who threw a burger at his face, a student who dropped their books on his foot, and the old man he laughed at who was struggling to hold all his things. The voice of the narrator really came out in one section to me “Outside the bookstore, in my car, I read about this new drug for depression and anxiety. It was a shot for which you had to pay thousands of dollars. I wondered if I needed a shot like that. One of my problems is not understanding my problems” (pg 2). This section provides so much insight by the narrator of himself that I as the reader immediately knew who he was, what he stood for, and that he was interesting enough for me to continue reading.

#5 My Writing Space

My writing space, physically, is wherever I choose to be. The noises are pushed out, or taken in, added to the story and the characters in order to make them my own. Music is preferred, for something simple like this; it is the hard ones, the long ones, that I require absolute silence. These hard ones, the complex and convoluted stories, come in the dead of night when everyone else is asleep. That silence draws out all my creativity. I creak open the blackened and rotting door in the recesses of my mind, the one completely stuffed with my ideas and half-baked stories. I dig deep into the dark corners and crevices, poking into the black with a stick, hoping to chase out something scary or different. And once all the corners have been dusted and the crevices searched, the whispers of all the voices in my head finally have center stage, the chance to be heard. They are not quelled by music or tv shows or even busy distractions made to keep them silent during the day. This is always my favorite part, to hear them plead their case, whoever screams the loudest is what I end up writing on the page. For stories already created, the works in progress, that space is easy to find; I read a few sentences and let the owning voice enter the forefront of my mind. This voice then gets to decide what is best in what I write, and typically I only stop when we get in a fight. Which way to take the story, further darkness or light? Usually the darkness wins out but since it is my style I don’t really mind. All this creativity, I know people find it hard, but I think it’s rather easy for me since I never really have to start. I can bullshit my way to the end or let a voice takeover and to try out different things, the voices have a free for all. Creativity in writing is one of the hardest things to do, but thankfully I have a lot of backup, a million voices full of ideas waiting to be told.

#6 Chapter 4

This chapter was, more than anything, extremely informative in what exactly a point of view is. Each definition and subset (multiple vision, omniscient, peripheral, single vision, etc.) was thoroughly explained and the multiple examples showing the room for leeway within each form was very helpful. It was interesting to have the POV put into perspective both by the question of “who’s story is this?” and how tenses are integral to this entire process. While the chapter refers to it as “distance” I had never thought about how tenses, emotional, spatial, or temporal, could severely alter the reader’s interpretation of the story’s POV. However, upon the explanation, I realized that this is a massive reason why I often have difficulty reading pieces in which tenses are switched in a type of flashback but do not have any kind of warning or cutoff. While usually quite smooth in the transition, I can never (as a reader) quite grasp the change of being in present tense and then suddenly harking back to the past without stopping the train of thought, like the various passages in “To Buffalo Eastward”. But then again, that’s just a personal opinion.

I thought the explanation of the POV Contract was the most important part of the chapter. POV is something I try to always be deliberate about in my writing, especially the novels I am working on. The POV must be consistent (at least per character) so that the reader knows what is happening and through whose eyes they are watching events unfold, but recently I have run into the problem of switching from First Person: Multivision to Third Person Multivision, but instead of being between chapters, the switch occurs during a passage or two. I really liked how this chapter warns the reader/writer that breaking the established POV contract can be devastating, if it is done properly and with intention, it can be a huge benefit for the story. This will be something I plan to experiment with my personal stories but for the short story, one POV will be enough.

#7 Chapter 5

This chapter covered a lot of different ways that a writer can look at their use of description and detail. I picked up immediately on the comparison to a movie. Something I always do with my stories is imagine as though I am writing a movie script and then directing it. What is the character’s motivation, their mannerisms, their ideologies, but also where are the lights, the perspective, what sound or noise is in focus or in the background. These are all aspects that go into making a movie and I find it really helpful to apply those same questions to my writing. The other big thing the chapter covered was how important specifics and word choice are to bringing a description to life. Use your vocabulary to avoid cliché’s, instead of “cold like ice” say “so frozen the slightest touch would cause them to shatter.”

The second example is more descriptive and also in-tunes the reader not only to the character’s physical state but their emotional one as well. Throughout this chapter I was rather surprised to not see this example used. Rewatching the tv show Daredevil, in which the main character is “blind,” he is often faced with the awkward situation of asking people to describe how something looks. There is a great scene in which at an art gallery, the curator attempts to describe a painting to Daredevil, beyond what was painted there. This got me thinking about how good description should be done as though the writer was attempting to convey what they see to someone who cannot. And I think this applies to the other senses as well. If something is really loud, instead of describing the sound describes how it feels through touch, if it is a smell, what vision is the character reminded of, what does the smell invoke in their sight? While the chapter did not discuss these things, I thought it would be something good to point out as it forces the writer to not only be more descriptive but to truly understand the world in a different way, fiction or not.

#8 Our Children

This story was a great example of how to use description as the primary story telling mechanism. The story had minimal amount of dialogue, most of which even still was included in the description as primary thoughts of the narrator. By doing this the story was able to maintain its flow and voice while still telling such an intricate story. On the matter of the story, the use of description and detail, of even the most benign things, was a really clever way to tell such a clichéd story. By not directly saying “my husband was kind of a jerk and I met this really nice guy at the store and proceeded to divorce my husband and started a new life but we still have the kids from our old lives” the author is able to take on an overdone plot and make it extremely interesting for the reader.

The one part of the story that I incredibly enjoyed but was also a bit confused about was when the woman was imagining what the kids would do without the adults, while gloriously written and very different from the cliche plot, it seemed rather random. I guess I could buy it being a dream or even a fugue state but if it was, it wasn’t well explained and seemed to have no real consequences when it was over, the woman simply driving back to the cabin and conducting breakfast with the kids as though nothing had happened the night before. Which begs the question, if her and her lover actually left the kids alone at the cabin, went elsewhere to fuck, and then only the woman “returned” after her “dream” what happened to her lover? Did he even exist at all?

#9 Chapter 6

Dialogue is one of those things that I’ve been told I don’t completely suck at. While there were phases of using too many verbs and tags, I have always look at dialogue as simply an extension of my character’s actions. This chapter broke all of that down really nicely into not just why dialogue is important in bringing a character to life, but also the technical side of writing dialogue. Knowing where to start a new paragraph, how to include an action in the middle of a sentence, and how to make sure your reader knows who is speaking when. I liked that the chapter spent quite a bit of time explaining the pitfalls to certain types of dialogue technique choices, like no using tags. If done properly through characterization and vocal mannerisms, tags are not needed for the reader to know who is speaking and who they are talking to; done badly however, you end up with a very confused and frustrated reader. I really liked how the chapter specified how unique each character’s voice/dialogue should be but within reason. This is something I often conduct in my own writing, and is really easy to do with contractions. A character who is highly educated may never use contractions while a character from the ghetto may primarily use contractions, or even double contractions like “ain’t.” Having dialogue that is specifically coded for each character helps the reader get a better understanding of who they are, but a writer must be careful to keep the dialogue of a character consistent with their background and their situation. Just because my snooty character is in a dive bar doesn’t mean he is all of a sudden going to start speaking slang or catcalling women. Consistency with a load of caution is what really stood out about this chapter for me.

#10 Chapter 7

I think my favorite part of this chapter was at the beginning when the author was talking about using weather to highlight or even create a setting. As someone who is extremely fascinated by weather and spent most of my childhood watching forecasts on TV, it came as a bit of a shock to me to read about it in this chapter and then realize I almost never use weather in my writing. It is something I hope to tackle in my short story given that it is based in a snow storm, but it was really interesting to read about how the weather of a setting plays such an important role in the telling of the story. If the character lives in Seattle, the almost constant rainy weather should be reflected in their clothes, the way they walk, or even their reaction to being somewhere like Michigan where it also rains but also is accompanied by house-shaking thunder and tree toppling lightning. Which leads to another part of the chapter, viewing the setting as an integral part of the story, when a character is in a different setting there should be a noticeable change, otherwise what was the point of changing settings? I have always viewed setting as simply something the character made a note of then kind of ignored, not as something they constantly interact with. Whether it is the place or the weather of the character’s location, this chapter really drove home the point about how the setting is almost a character in itself, and deserves the same amount of attention and detail the writer gives to the protagonist.

#11 Escape from Dysphesiac People

This story did an excellent job combining narratives and settings in order to portray the world view through the eyes of a kidnapped indigenous being forced to see the world through his kidnappers eyes. The blend of what is “real” to the white man like houses and television and what is “real” to the indigenous person like ghosts of their ancestors and people transforming into animals are so intricately woven into the story that neither seems out of place but we can understand the biased viewpoint of the indigenous person. In addition to this blend, the author takes on the additional challenge of telling the story through the eyes of a teenager, retelling past events as though they are happening in the present before actually returning to the present in order to relay important information to the reader. However, this was done in such a way that the reader does not become confused as to when the author is referring to by using a very simple tactic, an indicator. By using “Beloved” at the beginning of every reference to the present, the reader is easily able to not only follow the story but to check back in with the author about what they are supposed to be learning at the exact same time. All of these storytelling layers really let this story come to life and feel real, even though it is a work of fiction.

#12 Chapter 8

This chapter on Voice again brought up the idea of consistency. Word choice, sentence flow, and all attributes of style need to not only make sense with each other but be consistently used in each and every sentence of the character the voice is attributed to. But that aspect in itself is rather tricky because, and I am guilty of doing this myself, the writer often has their voice leak in various aspects of their story. While the chapter discussed the author’s own hardship in navigating and defining voice, it doesn’t really cover how much time and focus the writer must put into keeping the consistency of Voice throughout the entire story, and if there are several characters, each with their own unique voice, keeping those voice’s separate and unique is an extreme challenge. It is in the element’s of building voice that all of the English 110 lessons come into play. How does the use of “hot” instead of “burning” alter the way the character speaks? How they see the world and how they exist in that world? Does it even matter? And how do all of these aspects reflect aspects of the character the writer has built? I really liked the author’s recommendation that voice not be the writer’s focus until all other aspects of the story have been worked out and put down into a first draft. Sometimes the story takes the writer in a completely different direction than they were planning and focusing too much on something like voice could hold the writer back or even kill the story before it has started. Voice is important, but it isn’t everything and it certainly isn’t a writer’s first priority.

#13 Clementine, Carmelita, Dog

This story excelled in the accurate details utilized to bring the point of view (being that of a dog) to life. The scene that really stood out to me was the mention of Clementine’s previous owner, the “smell of death” an obvious suggestion of cancer; dog’s being one of the few species capable of smelling it. The added detail of how the smell started under her armpit (breast most likely) and then spread (metastasized) and she slept in a moaning bed, all of these minute details accurately creating the image of a woman getting sick with cancer, being placed in in-home hospice, and then dying. Even later in the story, the smell of a lost child or pup that permeated Carmelita’s new home, the sentence fragment alluding to sex, and then the change in smell of Louisa and following thumping of her stomach to indicate that she was pregnant. While from an animal behaviorist point of view all of these details and behaviors are accurate, and from the reader’s point of view none of these details seem strange or out of place in the story. Even when the author refers to themselves in the first person and breaks the narrative of the story in order to relay information to the reader, the reader is still fully immersed in the story, it is almost as if the dog is the one relaying the information. This technique of telling a story from a unique point of view (a dog) but combining both accurate facts of the individual’s abilities and the general public’s assumptions of how the individual perceives their world creates a highly unique narrative that is highly fictitious but also incredibly believable; as though your own dog told you the story.

#14 Chapter 9

I thought it was really interesting that the author recommended writing the story first and looking or adding theme later during the revision process. I tend to write with a theme in mind and often find myself having a difficult time continuing with the story because I want to add elements that don’t fit with the theme I have already established. I did take to heart the author’s insistence that theme should be something subtle, not overbearing or in the reader’s face because it takes away from the rest of the story, becoming a platform for the author to dump all their opinions and points of view that will deter readers away from the story. This point was brought up in a few of the previous chapters and I appreciate that it was mentioned in this chapter as well.

#15 End Comments

Harry Arlo’s Conspiracy

I do agree there is some editing needed, mainly just in filling in the current gaps of the story but overall I think the plot is well done. While I do think you might be pushing the page limit I also think the story you are telling is worth it. Your voice is solid throughout the entire piece and while it was a bit shaky in the beginning, introducing the story in the manner you did was essential (I did leave some comments for improvement). I like that you decided to take on a different era and were able to maintain that throughout the story but also adding in the intrigue of religious extremists, high society, kidnapping plots, and even basic thievery all in only ten pages that still made sense, not rushed or fragmented in anyway.  I would continue your pursuit of this story and try to focus on the conciseness of your story. Working in a different era make sure that your references can be understood to the general public within the same context, and keep your plot connected throughout the changing settings (a focus for the current missing gaps you have) but overall I really enjoyed this and look forward to the finished product.

Luke Mean Streets

I really enjoyed the attention to detail in this story and in using subtle descriptors and dialogue accents in order to characterize Heather and William. There were a few basic grammatical errors and while I did appreciate your efforts to produce unique sentences and word choices, there were a few places where it made the sentence awkward and stiff, taking away from the otherwise smooth flow of the story. I would really like to have seen more of the plot, a lot of this story is held in details and dialogue but neither carry the plot to the extent it could be. Especially that massive block of dialogue, it contains the entirety of the plot and is not as fleeced out as it should be. I think if you redistributed the information similar to how the original dialogue of Heather and William earlier in the story you would be in a much better place story wise. Overall, your story and characters were interesting, with their personalities clearly coming out in their actions and dialogue. I would have liked the ending to be a bit more but their also is an appreciation for the rushed ending that parallels Heather’s rush to her next lead.

#16 End Comments

Alex Allan Nash

This story focuses on one Allan Nash in his efforts to make money for a new bike but the real story is between Kennedy and Walker and their relationship who Allan is an integral function of. The setting, while very 60’s, also harks to the 1800s of long distance love stories relayed via mail courier and the materialistic desires/suburban life of the 90’s. I really love the characterization in this story and how you were able to utilize more showing than telling throughout. While there are a few spots I noted that could be cleaned up a bit this is a very complete story that keeps the reader interested the entire time. Even the side characters draw the reader in and help show how Allan grows as a character throughout the story. You also did a really nice job with the tenses, the story being told from multiple times but there is never a point in which it draws away from the flow. My only question would be if you could add more details to the Kennedy-Walker love story to bring out some more intimacy between the characters? While I know there is a level of mystery purposefully kept around them I want to know exactly what the stakes were in their relationship and why their fight helped push Walker to leave.

#17 End Comments

Elizabeth Over Board

This is the story of a pirate crew who is trying to still have faith in their captain even as she continues to make reckless decisions in the search of revenge. Your characters were all really well rounded and I loved that I was able to relate them to characters and dynamics in other stories. The pacing was fast but it made sense given how action packed every moment was. I did really like how you were able to bring the story alive almost entirely through dialogue but I would really love to see that translated into manneristic description. I would have liked to have a bit more of a lead in into the switch of perspectives from Kieran to the captain as it seemed to come a little out of nowhere. Your themes were subtle but came through really nicely and I loved how many surprises you were able to pull on me! I completely did not see James being killed or the captain sacrificing herself for her crew, but they were believable at the same time. My one question is what exactly does the serpent look like as your descriptions are a little all over the place? Cant wait to see the final product.

Eve The Bereaved

This is the story of a woman who loses the love of her life and in her grief turns to madness, hunting out the creature who killed her husband and sought to kill her. Using the skills her father taught her as a child the main character goes after the offending beast and forces it to watch her kill its children before completing her revenge mission by ending the mother. The story was quite obviously set in the 1800s out in the countryside but it was pleasant to read and rarely confusing. I did have several more area specific questions marked on the document itself but one big one I had was why would Ezekiel not tell her about the monster if he loved and trusted her so much? I big suggestion is to be more clear about when transitions of time or flashbacks are occurring because there were several places where it was difficult to keep track and I had to reread several times. Overall this was a really cool story and gave me chills the whole way through.

#18 End Comments

Andrew #1 Dad

This is the story of a man who unexpectedly loses his wife and is trying to navigate single parenting. I really loved how with the repetition of a few words (stupid, fucking, etc) you were able to accurately portray this man’s depression and self hatred in a way that was not only believable but relatable. He obviously cares about his kid and is doing his best but it is hard. I also liked the little details about how Kevin was having issues with the death of his mom (problems at school, not sleeping). These rankings you include are a cool idea but I am totally confused as to what exactly they are. Who is he ranking himself against? How does he know when it has changed? Some clarity as to their purpose would be really great. MY only other major thing was just the sentence setup, I marked a few specific places but there is a really inconsistent flow, with some places not having enough commas and some places having too many. I think reading it aloud could easily fix that. I would also love to have Kevin portrayed more accurately, a few scenes were kind of unbelievable for an eight year old, and even the main character becomes more immature as the story continues. If age is going to be as important as it is currently then make sure that is apparent in the word choice and style of each character.

Riley Cracking the Case

This story is about a retired FBI agent who in the last legs of his life decides to give one last shot at solving a case from fifty years ago with the help of his daughter and grandson. Given that I am a major fan of all cop/fbi related shows I loved the plot of this story! You have the man who gave up a relationship with his daughter to pursue his career and even once he was forced to retire he never gave up on trying to solve the one that got away. While the individual dynamics of the characters were spot on the interpersonal relationships were a bit muddy. I was missing the back story as to why Brady is so close to his grandfather and why his daughter is so resentful and James thought she would be mad at him for opening the case again. I also really enjoyed your dialogue scenes and honestly would have liked to have more of that. The dialogue really brought the characters to life while the blocks of “telling” text really pulled me out of the scenes. While there were a few inaccuracies just in the basics of “police” related things (noted in the document) it overall held up really well and I was so curious to see if he would solve the case or not (cruel that you left it open) and enticed me to keep reading. I think just putting a little more focus on your character and less on the plot will really help you to bring this story to perfection.

#19 End Comments

Isabella Phoenix Calling

This is a story about a girl and a boy who discover that their love for each other is the key to unlocking the powers hidden deep inside. I absolutely love the ending and the queer references but I honestly was hoping for more, especially from Aura and the asexuality that Hector has (I know you had chatted with me about it so that how I know) because otherwise they were practically invisible. This story was really compelling and kept me drawn in with the characterizations and descriptions. I also love the constant referencing to Teen Titans, not only was it relatable to me as a reader but it provided a point of reference for the characters, making their lack of over the top reactions entirely believable. Suggestion wise I would recommend just going through and enhancing certain aspects of the story (Carol’s glowing eyes, Aura’s identity, Aura’s ship, Hector’s identity) as there were little details that were mentioned once and then not brought up again or were altered. I would also just double check some sentences that were fragmented or didn’t make sense. The question I have is: if Hector and Carol are “aliens” why are they on earth/don’t know about it? Aura’s explanation seemed to focus on it being a single species on a single planet thing but then they are scattered throughout the universe and beings like Aura are sent out to find them? There just seems to be some conflicting info there.

Shea Unfulfilled History

This is a story about a boy named Eren who goes on a journey with a Professor, a friend, and a suspicious traveler in order to learn more about the creatures inhabiting the Waller Region. I really like the idea you have for this story and the dialogue works well, both for internal monologuing and external conversations. I like the ideas of these creatures but was left desperately wanting more details and information about them. I was really getting a Love and Monsters vibe with a bit of Hercules thrown in there. Suggestion wise, consistency consistency and more detail. There were a lot of conflicting emotions and motivations that changed at the drop of a hat which really isn’t how anyone functions. God I had so many questions that probably could have been answered if details were moved around and added into almost every paragraph. My biggest question is, was that the ending? Cause I felt like it was lacking both in consistency of plot and relevance to Eren as a character. You built it up but the climax was where you ended, there was no coming back down to bring everything into perspective.

#20 End Comments

Marissa

This is a story about a disabled girl who dreams of being abled in order to be happy. I’m going to start with the negatives so stick with me. The entire premise of your story, is very ableist. I know that your intent was to portray a girl who is harassed due to her disability but I would not make her hatred of that and hatred of her disability the focus of the story. Disabled people, especially those born with it, are very proud and I think you should shift your focus a bit on how others can be more accepting. A lot of the ideas in your story were inconsistent or not fully established, I was really looking for more. I left a ton of comments about suggestions for helping you fill in those blanks and shift focus. The ending seemed to come out of nowhere and was kind of confusing, I would end the story differently, on a happier note. Pro’s of this, your voice is extremely solid. I was able to really see who Gracie was and how you perceived Gracie to be and then translated that into a story. When you had description (which I want more of) it was detailed and you used the senses to really bring it to life. I think if you apply that to the rest of your story you’ll be fine. I also liked that you chose to have a main character who was disabled, I just think how they are represented can be tweaked to be more accurate and in alignment with how disabled people feel. For a first time creative writer, this is a really good start.

Peyton

This story is about a woman who is seeking revenge/justice on a man who raped her, torturing him into a confession in order to be at peace. Man where do I even begin, I absolutely loved this story. I typically write similarly so having a knife, a “lovers quarrel,” the warped sense of right and wrong, ugh everything was so well described it gave me chills. You did an excellent job manipulating the reader’s emotions, from sympathizing with Gunner to cheering as Eslanda stabbed him. You also did a nice job keeping the mentions of rape to a minimum but they were potent enough that the actions of both characters seemed justified. Two big critiques, one please make sure you give some more details about the actions and placement of your characters in the scenes as it was inconsistent at times. two I would make aspects of the characters relationship more explicit, as it wasn’t confirmed that they were dating, and dating recently, until like page seven. I had thought she kidnapped this guy and he had dated her back when she was first assaulted. Just be more clear on those points. I’d also love for you to go even darker with more gore in certain scenes to really help paint the picture but also cover up some rather specific points of anatomy (I made detailed comments in those spots). Overall, totally felt like I was reading a script from Criminal Minds.

#21 End comments

Matt Uzume the Seamstress

This is a story about a seamstress who, in the effort to complete her quilt, gathers scraps of fabric from the different people in her life; meanwhile, her parent’s visit raises tensions between the father and husband and with a baby on the way, Uzume has to decide whether to go with her father or remain, disowned, with her husband. I really liked the plot and tension of this story. Even though a cliché you were able to portray it in a way that was still interesting, getting the reader dedicated to the characters right in the beginning. The choice to have Uzume and Kenta both be artists really fit in with the idea that they would rather do what makes them happy than what everyone expects of them. I also thought it was a cool choice to have the setting in Japan, although I really wanted some more elements to portray that, especially with the food and family dynamics. My biggest issue was with the time period and timeline. I could not figure out when this story was happening, and while I understand leaving that ambiguous I think it hurt your story more than it helped as I couldn’t determine if what you were telling me was accurate to when the story happened. Timeline wise, while it becomes evident about half way through that the story is happening in a linear forward way, my original interpretation was flash backs or random points in time. I think clarifying that would really help the story flow better. Also, more tension between Hiroshi and Kenta, don’t shy away from it, let them explode. Overall really cohesive story.

#22 Ch 10

There were a lot of things I took away from this chapter but the biggest one is that revision is the core of writing. Growing as a writer, getting better at being a writer doesn’t mean that your writing itself has improved, it means you now know what goes in and what must come out, how to revise your writing until it is better, until the story is what you want it to be. The author focuses on how in order to revise properly, one must make their writing unfamiliar by finding someone, real or imaginary, to read to and edit. I typically do this with my parents, my mother covering the grammar, punctuation, tense, and modifiers while my father focuses on the consistency of POV/voice and how I can enhance the characters or strengthen the plot. But while I do have my process of revision, they are my parents and aren’t as critical as I need them to be, hence the author’s point that finding an editor who is critical but not rude is key to the revision process. The other points the author highlighted are usually things I focus on and refine in the first and second drafts, being selective of my description, making sure the sounds dialogue real, that the setting is metaphorical but concrete, that the flashbacks are brief, and the theme is subtle but still present. I sweat the little stuff. I slave away, researching and testing each and every metaphor, which modifiers are necessary and which are not, to determine which long thesaurus words I can include that fit my character but don’t scare the reader away. I like to edit by scraping away at each little thing until it meets my new definition of perfect but this chapter pointed out that this is very difficult, and their right. Cutting is better than scraping and it’s something I’m going to need to try.

#23 Notes on the Process

It is the fate of every artist, every writer, to believe that their work is a piece of garbage. To think that the written word isn’t cohesive and doesn’t make sense, that you told your reader what to think instead of showing what you wanted to . Critiquing is a process, one that it has taken me many years to understand and get good at, but to have it done in a class of students who know how to be constructive instead of saying everything they hate, or to do something worse and say everything is perfect, has been amazing. We are writers, nothing is ever good enough for us but we are also extremely proud of our work, no matter how awful we think it is and we don’t like people talking shit about our work. To that point, this process taught me to give my writing much more credit and appreciation than I currently do. I had more positive comments and comments to improve on what I had rather than negative comments or suggestions that wanted to rewrite the whole story, which meant my ideas were good and my execution decent with room to improve (just where it should be). I also learned that I need to lengthen my scenes of tension, really pull out the fighting and confusion and emotions because while description is great, that is not what the story is about. The notes I have to share with my fellow writers is that you need to trust yourself. You need to trust that what you wrote is good and that the people reading it only want to help make it better, not tear it apart until there is no story left. We are all unique in the way we choose to write. Our subjects, our craft, our voice are all different and work with what we are, our functions as artists: a new perspective.

#24 End Comments

Lizzy

This story is about Sam and his owner/friend Matthias who makes a new friend in an amnesic stranger, pushing Sam away before reuniting with the stranger’s help. The premise of your story is really sweet. I love that you took such a basic and modern story and just added a talking cat! Sam’s personality shines through in every word he speaks and while certain parts of the story seem fast paced, overall it is set within a good time frame. Suggestions I have for you is really to build on Thomas and Matthias’s characters so that it is easy to tell them apart, as right now they act almost exactly the same. I think if you really focus on individual personalities as well as inter-character relationship dynamics a lot of aspects of the story can really be enhanced. Your dialogue was really strong but could be even better if you change up the inflections of each characters words and add in some body language (specific spots are marked on the page). My biggest questions are, why is Sam’s ability to talk a secret and what exactly is the relationship between Thomas and Matthias? Overall this is a really cute story.

Eve

This is a story of a vampire named Sol who intervenes with an attempt at murder during their hunt, saving the girl and hiding her away. The description in this piece and action scenes were all so real I could feel my adrenaline pumping and chills crawling up my spine. The medical accuracy of the gore and body horror was really impressive and helped bring the vampires to life without having to say what they were. I also like your choice to have a victim of domestic abuse be put in a similar situation but end up saving herself and seeking independent power by becoming a vampire herself. I also love the queer references as well as the sweeney todd references. If this was a movie, I would so be there!The drug scenes were cool but there were a lot of points where I got a little lost on what was going on in certain points in time. I would really just recommend clarifying some of those sections. No questions.

#25 End Comments

Harry

This is a story about a man named Frank who returns the Vietnam war only to discover that he misses it and takes his frustrations out on a gibbon at the local zoo. I really liked the topic of this story, having a man return from war only to miss it but still show symptoms of PTSD (extreme mood swings). The interactions between minor characters were natural and believable but also quick, adding to the story without being overbearing on what the focus was. The narrator voice through this story was also very pleasant, weaving nicely between an omnipotent view and the character’s POV. The ending was probably my favorite part, a bit of a twist but also a rightful end to the tension that was building throughout the story. Suggestion wise, I really think you need to determine the layout of your zoo and the rainforest house because it was really difficult to picture. I also think that you really need to read your story aloud as I know that you were going for a certain feel with the run-on sentences but they tended to actually be more difficult to read. Lean into the natural pauses of how people talk and think which will also help slow your pacing in a lot of the sections that just flew by. One question I have is why you chose to use a gibbon if you weren’t going to highlight anything special about it? The gibbon could easily be replaced with a chimpanzee, which if you are going for a discussion on the violence of man/not man would actually be a better option.

Isabella

This is a story about Alyssa who has been assigned to hike to a base in the forest as part of her mission to protect the woods but is met with a betrayal of the people she loves most. I like the easy read of this story and the characters introduced. The description in each scene really brought the woods to life and made me feel the same fear and anxiety as Alyssa. I also really loved having the mom abuse the husband as a reason for the transition to the platoon as Alyssa’s family and making the betrayal have a much bigger impact. Suggestions, I would really focus on the sentence structure you have as it is typically highly repetitive and not benefiting your story (I marked some specific instances). I also really want the tension and nature of the betrayal heightened and explained. Like, taking over the base with a bunch of guns is kinda bad but doesn’t directly go against what Alyssa is doing. Maybe if they were poachers or tree cutters that would be different. Just some general clarity in the bigger aspects of the story would be great, but your details and small points are fabulous!

#26 End Comments

Luke

End Comment: This is a story of a man (?) who loves in a colony on a distant planet and after suffering through a five year winter is forced into battle of which the outcome will determine the colony’s survival. Your description in this story was spot on, and I liked that you placed the setting out in space, it gave the story a hint of mystery without you having to do too much work. The pacing of the story is also really nice, nothing feeling too rushed or drawn out. I do have a few suggestions that are combined with some questions. I’m not entirely clear about the set up of the compound and where the boundary is between inside and out. For all the description you gave about it, there seemed to be some inconsistencies about where the creatures were vs where the colony was and how their interactions were spatially mediated. I also was really confused about the explanation of the draft. You flipped back and forth between whether cryo sleep or living in the complex all winter was a bad thing, which made the info about the draft really unclear. I’d recommend really going through your details to make sure everything lines up. One question, are the individuals in the colony humans or aliens? If they are humans make the planet colonization clear (mention a myth of a great voyage or something). If they are aliens, humanoid or not, ramp up those details! You are in SPACE, have some fun with it.

Shea

This is a story about a grad student named Derek who is trying to maneuver a new friendship and a budding relationship after having his heart broken. Your description was really enjoyable to read, and the way Derek narrated was so natural it seemed like he was in the room with me. I also love how you pulled details from UNE to help with your world building but kept it small enough to fit with your story. Suggestion wise, a few basic craft things with spelling and indentations (noted in the doc) but also make sure interactions with different characters are different. The professor is in a position of esteem and she should treat Derek with that level of respect (otherwise it’s a bit creepy). For Anna, make sure her relationship with Derek is clear, from the first meeting, to study buddies, to flirting, to the first date, and Derek’s understanding of that relationship needs to also be consistent throughout the story as well. I like that you chose to have something relatable and not complex, it’s a nice change from some of the other stories.

#27 End Comments

Alex

This is a story about a sea nymph and human who are lovers, but with meddling gods they risk everything to avoid an arranged marriage and be together forever. Ah, there are so many things I love about this story! The gay, the Greek mythos, the mischievous nymph, the tragic ending, I just want to read it again and again. You did an awesome job mixing action with dialogue and also providing raw detail and description that had my spine tingling the whole way. I also love that you stuck to accuracy for both the time period and the mythology, staying away from the popular gods and vibing with some of the lesser known ones. Suggestion wise, there were a few points in your story where I was spatially confused about where the characters were and how they got from one place to another (mainly towards the end of your story). While the description of Pontus’s curse was really cool, I have absolutely no idea how a curse he put on Doris’s skin affects Ophelia when she’s in the water; I just think some clarity in the details there would really help. Lastly, is it at all possible for you to switch Pontus out with a different sea god cause the incest thing he has with Gaia in the mythology just made me cringe every time he was brought up.

Peyton

This is the story of a telekinetic super named Unknown who is forced to work with the Denver Defenders, a murderous group of superheroes, in order to rescue the kidnapped senator. I loved the plot of your story, it was really simple but still had some fun twists and turns to keep it interesting. I really loved the names and powers you gave each super, but had the bad guys be super basic, making the murder that much more controversial. You inner monologues were really fun to read, I could just hear the sass and sarcasm rolling off Unknown in waves. Some suggestions, there were a few points in your story where the scene or tone of the characters flipped without  any preamble, these spots really just need a bit more of a lead in so the flow of the story isn’t stagnated. I am also super confused on how Atypical looks/what his powers are, as the description is a bit all over the place. Same with the other defenders, I really wanted some more description and characterization so that hating them, and then sympathizing with them is easier to do.

#28 End Comments

Andrew

This is the story of someone living in the after effects of climate disaster and WW3 (?) with their lifetime supply of twinkies being both their savior and their downfall. Your voice throughout this piece was really solid, and the imagery was very well done. I loved how you brought up really specific references that everyone would know to make a point, and how ironic it is in the apocalypse. Your characters were very fun and the whole premise of the story was hilarious! I also liked that you didn’t try to blow anything wildly out of proportion. Besides the magical twinkie deliveries, everything was extremely believable which is rare to find in an apocalypse story (although those are the kind I prefer to read). Suggestions, you really need to work out a timeline for both your world and for the sections of the story as they seemed to be in conflict at times. Besides a few misspelled words my only other suggestion is to really narrow down and highlight the character’s motivations and make that extremely clear because even at the end of the story I still don’t know why your character decided to leave the safety of their house. Questions, I have so many questions but the biggest one is was there a war after climate change destroyed everything and that’s why there are skeletons and factories exploding?

Riley

This is a story about a woman named Claire who is held hostage with a beautiful green-eyed man during a bank robbery, after which she is disappointed to find that her date is not the same man from the bank. I really enjoy your early characterization of the robbers, especially Mad Dog, very sketch biker dude vibes and the dynamic between him and his team was tons of fun to read. I also liked having the bank robbery split up with flashbacks of Claire getting ready for her date, setting the reader up to assume that the green-eyed man was her date and then totally 180 us at the end! Suggestion wise, I would really recommend reframing the robber’s characterization, as the Alpha-male behavior you had in the beginning magically disappeared during the conversation with the Sargent and that isn’t really realistic. I also was looking for why the five other robbers were robbing the bank, what were their motivations (even if it was just to help out their friend)? Also, make sure that the flashbacks Claire is having are coming when the focus is on Claire. When the focus is on Mad Dog and then all of a sudden Claire is discussing her wardrobe struggle, it seems weird. A bit of lead in would be great! No major questions, any I have are in the doc.

#29 End Comments

Matt

This is the story of a rich boy from the East who thinks he has what it takes to defeat the Arizona Reaper only to find that he doesn’t know much at all. I love the whole plot, the casualness of everything gives the story such a lightness but the weight of death is still present. While I saw the twist coming it was still so much fun to read, you executed the death scene perfectly and even the moment in the bar after was so well written, goosebumps man. Characterization was on point, and I love that you messed around with accents but in a way that was tolerable and fun, it added something to the story and characters that wouldn’t have been present otherwise. Suggestion wise, definitely need to check on the spelling for the barkeep, it should be MacCready. I definitely think you should give Koning some siblings because most international corporate dynasties won’t let the heir just up and leave cause he felt like it. There needs to be someone else they can pass the mantle onto, also, he totally has youngest sibling vibes so I think adding a mention of having older siblings would just add to his character. I also was really wanting some back story for the reaper. How does a man go from ending his career and just helping people out to a cold stone killer who just wants to be left alone? He had to have been killing in order to build up the reputation that then would have made everything worse.

Marissa

This is the story of a girl who goes on a late night drive only to find herself questioning what is a dream and what is reality. Your voice was pretty solid throughout the piece and a llot of your descriptive scenes were done really well, I felt many of them deep in my bones. I also really liked that you had the entire story around giving both Mia and the reader’s a total mind fuck! Even at the end I still don’t know what was real and what wasn’t, it was awesome! Your characterization was also nicely done, it was easy to understand who each character was within a few sentences of them being introduced. Suggestion wise, definitely go back through and touch up on your punctuation and sentence flow, I marked a few places that were nicely done that you can use to help you out. Also, even though you are messing around with the fabric of reality, make sure your tenses are consistent throughout the story, there were quite a few times where it flipped back and forth between past and present tense. Lastly, just make sure that the transition between each “dream” is smooth so the mindfuck feels even more real.

#30 Rain Flooding Your Campfire

The aspect I liked best about this story was the rewriting of a plot from a different perspective. The author took the little details mentioned during “Cathedral” to set the tone of the story and also put the reader back into the mind of the characters. However, interestingly enough the author used the almost sarcastic but wishful tone of the wife to provide a a narration of the story, which in itself is the retelling of the story through Mr. G’s point of view, which the narrator quickly shows her detestment for him; mainly in part due to him being an unreliable narrator/writer. It was also interesting to see how the narrator focuses so much on Nathan even though the “plot” of the story is supposed to revolve around Mr. G. This was a craft technique used in Cathedral as well, the plot actually discussing the husband and wife instead of the blind man, in this perspective we get the complete inverse of character focus. My implementing both the change in perspective as well as tone and reliability of the narrator, this story completely reconceptualizes “Cathedral” and the entire meaning of the story.

#31 Advice For the Future

I would advise someone taking this course to believe in their own writing. Writing is an art form, not a competition, and once you come to accept that you will become a better writer for it. While there are technical things, basic spelling and grammar and flow, the majority of writing is creating something that has never before existed, to create entire new worlds with people and personalities that are unknown to anyone except you, so while the workshop is there to give you advice know that that is all it is, advice. You are the creator of your story, you know what is best for it and what isn’t, listening to others only enhances your understanding of the story but it should never dictate it, or dictate who you are as an artist. This course is your opportunity to experiment with your writing, to get feedback from other writers, both professional and amateur, and to truly embrace what it means to be a writer of short literary fiction.